Addressing Sexual Harassment Issues in the Church Between Attendees

OR:  Upsetting the Apple Cart: What Happens When a Church Faces Sexual Harassment Issues Between Attendees and the Leadership Isn’t Prepared?

(Note: I wrote this whitepaper post for churches. However, the principles apply to nearly any organization.)

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We often don’t see a gap in part of an organization until we personally experience that gap ourselves.

For example, if we experience inappropriate behavior from another human being at an institution, at that time we will realize the experience exposed a gap in some part of the organization: a gap in leadership’s knowledge and training in the subject matter; a gap that is spiritual in nature; or a gap which reveals what really controls leaders, such as their fears governing or controlling their actions.

I say “a gap in leadership” because, in my case, I brought an issue to a church leader immediately. I didn’t keep the experience to myself, nor did I figure if I ignored the issue, it would go away. I didn’t keep the story to myself for more than one hour. Besides the issue itself, during this experience I uncovered these gaps in leadership’s knowledge and training regarding how to address a particular type of issue in the church, a gap exposing a leader’s fears, and a gap that is, in its essence, spiritual in nature.

What is a Gap?

In the business world, specifically in accounting and audit, a “gap” is an issue which highlights a problem of deficiency. In business, these gaps are usually a lack of accounting controls which can lead to fraud, loss, or accounting records being so inaccurate as to lead to financial statements that are wrong. Why is that a problem? Because many people rely on a business’s financial statements to be accurate when investing in the firm, loaning the company money, selling products to the business on credit, or when buying the company out.

Gaps that are identified must be mitigated with a solid plan which is followed meticulously. Later, that part of the business is tested again by auditors to verify the gap is no longer present or whether the gap still exists and requires further mitigation.

Sometimes auditors who find and report on the gaps are mistreated by department managers and directors whose business units have the newly-discovered gaps. These managers get upset about the gap’s discovery and take it out on the auditor for upsetting their apple cart. Much of the time, however, managers and directors choose to address the gaps head-on, realizing the auditor’s discovery of the gap occurred before something worse could happen, and now they can focus on mitigation and ensure the gap doesn’t occur again.

 

Gaps Identified in a Church

Not only does gap discovery happen in corporations across the world. It also happens in churches.

In the particular experience of which I’m writing, it has to do with behaviors that fall under the larger umbrella of sexual harassment.

If you take a look at what is available for churches in terms of sexual harassment training, you’ll find most of it is geared toward employee-to-employee behavior, much like training for businesses. In corporate America, you may also see inappropriate behavior coming from a customer or vendor targeted at your employee, outside of your employer’s governance. But in a church, inappropriate behavior can be targeted from an employee to an attendee, or between two attendees, in addition to employee-to-employee.

There doesn’t appear to be much training available for church leadership regarding sexual harassment between attendees, and there is very little training or help for dealing with an employee targeting a non-employee.

That said, many of the regular sexual harassment training principles from the business world apply well to churches and to church leadership when dealing with this type of issue between two church attendees who aren’t employees of the church.

For the purposes of this whitepaper, the recipient of the behavior will be called the Target. The person demonstrating the behavior will be called the Man.

(Also, I’m only addressing issues involving adults. If the Target is a minor, more serious implications and consequences may apply, such as when a crime was committed.)

Principles for Church Leaders (Elders, Pastors, etc.)

There are five basic principles for dealing with issues in the church that fall under the larger umbrella of sexual harassment. These principles apply to any church leader (professional or layperson) who becomes aware of inappropriate behavior toward an attendee. These principles are:

1.      Listen to the Target tell her story.

2.      Create a plan of action.

a.   If the behavior of the Man hasn’t escalated too far, an Elder choosing to speak with the Man is an adequate initial action. (Assuming the issue is forwarded to an Elder to manage. But it could be forwarded to a staff Pastor.)
b.   Give the Target your word regarding your plan of action.
c.      Tell the Target you will call her after you’ve had the initial conversation with the Man.
d.      Don’t delay.
e.       Keep your word.

3.     From here on out, the Target should never be alone with the Man and should not be expected to be alone with the Man. The Man shouldn’t text, email, visit, or call the Target. The Man should not speak to the Target without a witness present.

4.     If the Leader/Elder/Pastor insists on a conversation taking place, and a meeting is scheduled, the Target should have an Advocate present at the meeting at all times. The Advocate may ask questions, make comments, and may object to questions or comments spoken by anyone at the meeting. The Man may also have an Advocate at the meeting if he so chooses.

5.     The Target will be allowed to apply wisdom and safety to the situation in order to make good decisions about who she spends time with at the church, which ministries she will be involved in, and if she will remain at this church at all.

 

The more difficult part of the church scenario involves the keeping of secrets. If the Leader requires the Target to keep the situation and its details a secret, it can lead to the Target being and feeling isolated.

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Unbeknownst to any leader at the church I was attending for a short time, I’m a workplace bullying expert, especially focused on behaviors of subtle bullying. That said, since I’m also interested in the wider field in this topic/space, this means I also have deep knowledge regarding overt bullying and sexual harassment. I’ve learned enough about these other areas in order to identify and address them.

So, What Is My Story?

At the request of an acquaintance at the church, I filled in one Sunday morning at a ministry I knew nothing about. The acquaintance made a connection to someone who would help me out – a woman who was friendly and helpful. I also met the woman’s husband that morning in the hallway and chatted for a few minutes. Later, after the church service, her husband chatted with me again for a few minutes. On my way out, I stopped to chat with the woman again (she was in the church kitchen for the ministry she serves) and we spoke for about 20 minutes. I left that day thinking I had met some very nice people. I had also offered to email the husband two pieces of information (which I email regularly to a list of about 75 people, most of whom are male).

Fast-forward two weeks.

At this point I had had a couple email exchanges with the husband on the topics we discussed (topics that I email other men and women about all the time – issues going on in the U.S.). In his emails, he was a little over-the-top complimentary, but I thought it was just his style.

Now it’s another Sunday. I attended the early service. Afterward, the husband (who I will refer to as the Man) approached me (his wife was in the church kitchen ministry again) and he immediately complimented me on what I was wearing and then said something about “your nice figure”.

What? Huh?

That was the first red flag and I didn’t know what to do with it.

Next, he asked me if I planned to attend the Sunday morning class.

(There is one Sunday morning adult class and it is lead by the Elder who also leads a weeknight home fellowship group I attend. I had considered going to this morning class for a while.)

I said, yes, I thought I’d attend the class that morning.

The Man said, “Oh, good. I saved you a seat.”

Okay. A little weird.

We walked to the classroom where he had indeed saved me a seat. One other person was in the room. The Man suggested we set our things down and then go out into the hall to talk. This wasn’t odd in itself, but in retrospect he was monopolizing my time rather than introducing me to other people.

After the class was over, there was a baptism for several people scheduled in the main auditorium. I told the Man I wasn’t staying for that and that I had to stop in the lady’s room before leaving. As we walked out, there were restrooms located in an alcove area. The Man kept talking to me in the slightly-private alcove area.

At this point, he was talking a little faster and in a manner called “word salad” where it’s hard to decipher what he is saying, but I’ll list below the best I can recollect:

• He offered me his cell phone number “in case you need any help with anything, but I can only talk on Wednesdays from 9 to 11 in the morning.”
•  “Don’t worry. I’m not into going to hotels or anything.”
•  “I’ll have to tell you some time about the times four women clients propositioned me…” 
  To which I replied, “I don’t think I want to hear about that.”

At this point he walked away, and I was grateful to be relieved of his presence.

The next day I saw an email from him in my inbox (written and sent on Sunday night). I waited until Monday afternoon to open it.

The first paragraph of the email was more over-the-top compliments. The second paragraph was about the Sunday morning class. But it was the third paragraph that did me in.

In the third paragraph, the Man encouraged me to call him on his cell phone, but that he can only talk on Wednesdays from 9 to 11 AM because that is when his wife is at her Bible study. He wrote on and on about how he believes men and women can be friends but he doesn’t think his wife will understand, blah, blah, blah.

Well, I was having NONE of it and I was done.

I only knew one Elder – the man who leads and hosts the home fellowship group I attend. I called the Elder’s wife, told her I’d like to meet with both of them, and told her I was receiving inappropriate attention from a married man in the church, and that my story ends with an email I received today. We scheduled for me to meet with them the next day.

This is Where It Gets More Interesting

Now begins the part of the story when I evaluate how a leader in the church responds to an issue that falls under the umbrella of sexual harassment – unwanted and inappropriate attention from another person – and how that response lines up with the Principles for Church Leaders stated earlier.

(As a side note, I pulled the plug on the Man’s behavior early – before it escalated into anything more or worse. His behavior at that point seemed like a form of grooming, which is also under the umbrella of sexual harassment.)

Back to my meeting with the Elder and his wife – on Tuesday.

I’m going to list each of the Principles and comment on them in regard to my experience.

1.      Listen to the Target tell her story.

Instead of starting our meeting by allowing me to tell my story, the Elder started out by saying, “I think I know why you’re here and what the story is about.”

• How is that possible?, I asked him.
• Well, he received a text from the Man asking if there was another book available for me for the Sunday morning class. The Elder read to me the entire text.
• I told him he got the person right, but I wasn’t there to discuss the class nor a book for the class. None of that text had anything to do with why I was there.
• I finally launched into the story, ending with the printed copy of the email.
• The Elder did okay at this Principle #1 – not bad, not great. It would have been great if he had skipped saying, “I think I know why you’re here” and reading the text. He made incorrect assumptions. He should have just allowed me to tell my story. In other words, the Elder put 2 + 2 together and got “3” or “5”. Certainly not “4”.
• During my telling of the story, the Elder’s wife made comments and was helpful and compassionate. I was glad to have a woman present. (She had asked me the day before if I preferred to speak to two elders without her. I said I wanted her to be there.)

2.      Create a Plan of Action

At the end of my telling of the story, the Elder said:

a.       “I will speak with the Man.”

(If the behavior of the Man hasn’t escalated too far, an Elder choosing to speak with the Man is an adequate initial action.)

b.      “I will take care of this.”

(Give the Target your word regarding your plan of action.)

c.       “After I speak with the Man, I will contact you to discuss how it went.”

(Tell the Target you will call her after you’ve had the initial conversation.)

The Elder’s wife then said, “You have Elder’s phone number, right?”  I said, yes, I do.

In this “Create a Plan of Action” Principle, the Elder did a great job with the first three subsets of #2, a, b, & c. He created a plan of action that was reasonable, he told me what his plan of action was, he told me he planned to speak with me after speaking with the Man, and he gave me his word.

The Elder also requested that I not let the Man’s wife know about this situation and that I not tell anyone at the church about it. (This comes up again later and, since I’m a workplace bullying expert, I was able to quickly identify the issues with secrecy.)

The next two elements under the Principle of “Create a Plan of Action” are:

d.      Don’t delay; and

e.       Keep your word.

The meeting with the Elder and his wife took place on a Tuesday. The Elder also requested if I received another email from the Man to forward it to the Elder’s wife.

On Wednesday I received another email which I forwarded as the Elder requested. I texted the Elder’s wife to let her know about the new email. She texted back that she would give it to the Elder.

Wednesday came and went. Thursday came and went. Now it was Friday. I had received no phone call from the Elder so far.

Before I continue with this story there are a couple other things to share. First, this particular church is really into having their people build accountability relationships. They have a men’s program that is geared toward accountability, and, at the time of this writing, they started a women’s accountability program. Second, I have accountability relationships in my life already. At this point in the story, I had already pulled in two of my accountability partners (APs) and I brought in a third on Friday afternoon.

Back to the story. Early Friday afternoon, one of my accountability partners called me to ask what I had heard from the Elder.

Nothing.

She said, “He said he would contact you after he spoke to the Man, and he gave you his word.”

I said, “What if the Elder hasn’t spoken to the Man yet? Or what if he spoke to the Man, didn’t like how the conversation went, and is deciding what to do next?”

She said, “It doesn’t matter. He gave you his word. He should have called you by yesterday to give you an update. Call the Elder now.”

Remember these last two Principles for #2:

• Don’t delay:  The Elder delayed.
• Keep your word:  The Elder didn’t keep his word to me.

So I called the Elder.

The Elder said, “What’s up?”

What’s up? On Tuesday you told me you would contact me after speaking with the Man. Today is Friday. I haven’t heard from you. Have you spoken with the Man?

The Elder said he spoke to the Man at length on Wednesday.

At this point, let’s revisit Principle #3:

3.      From here on out, the Target should never be alone with the Man and should not be expected to be alone with the Man. The Man shouldn’t text, email, visit, or call the Target. The Man should not speak to the Target without a witness present.

*Back to the Friday phone call with the Elder.*

The Elder then told me he requested the Man to speak to me on Sunday at church, to apologize, etc.

I said, “Absolutely not. He isn’t going to have a private conversation with me.”

The Elder said, “I mean he’ll talk with you in the hallway. Not in a private room.”

I said, “No. This is his whole problem. He has no accountability in his life. For all the talk about accountability in this church I’ve heard from the pulpit, the problem of the Man not having accountability should stand out. I won’t talk to him or listen to him without a witness present.”

Principle #3 was broken and exposed a gap in the Elder’s understanding about these types of issues in the church. Likely none of the leaders have received training regarding how to handle issues such as this.

It was then that the Elder offered to meet with the Man and me. It was determined to bring in another person, and I again chose the Elder’s wife in order to have a woman present and because she did well when we met on Tuesday. This meeting would be on Sunday between the two services.

 

The Sunday Morning Meeting

The Elder started the meeting with prayer. He explained that his wife was there not to make decisions but to be supportive, and if she had anything to say she was free to speak.

The Elder then requested we keep our comments brief, and he asked me to go first. I did and kept it brief. Then the Man spoke and didn’t keep it brief (lots of word salad). To keep the story to the Principles kept or Principles broken, I will highlight a few things that happened.

• At one point, the Man asked me about my past relationships with men. He first asked if I had ever been married. Then he asked me (and I am paraphrasing here) whether I thought men were horrible. Of course, I realized this classic maneuver which is called “blame the Target”. But rather than call him out on it, I said something to the effect that I have had, and continue to have, many male friends and relatives and good relationships with all of them. Disappointingly, neither the Elder or the Elder’s wife called the Man out on this tactic. (This is a tactic that Hillary Clinton famously used when she was a criminal defense attorney and would blame the crime victim for the perpetrator’s actions.)
• At another point, I said I’m not going to attend the Sunday morning class. The Elder responded by saying something to the effect that, “The class is a place for you to learn about God.”  As if there is no other place for me to learn about God. I said there are plenty of other places and classes where I can learn about God. I’ve been a Christian for 50 years. I think I know how to find ways to learn about God. I also said I’m applying wisdom to this situation and all three of my APs advised me to not attend the class.
• The Elder commented (and I’m paraphrasing here) something to the effect that I wasn’t moving on or I wasn’t being forgiving or something like that. It was truly a horrible thing to say to me. I told him he was incorrect. I also said we talked about this several weeks ago during a Monday night Bible study, when we said, “It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.”  I said I’m being compassionate and firm. It’s not a case of me being only compassionate nor only firm. It’s not “either/or”.  It’s “both/and”. I’m being compassionate and firm. So this response from the Elder, completely misunderstanding my choices and my stance, was very concerning and it highlighted what I was seeing more and more: That the Elder, as a leader, doesn’t know how to address issues of sexual harassment in the church properly.
• The Elder’s wife didn’t speak at all during the Sunday morning meeting. The third accountability partner I brought in to counsel me I brought in on Friday afternoon. This AP spent the first 25 years of her career in HR and often had to deal with and manage issues of sexual harassment. After this third AP heard my story, she said, “This is a form of sexual harassment – unwanted and inappropriate attention,” and she also helped to form these principles I’m highlighting in this whitepaper regarding what leadership of a church must do in order to address sexual harassment in the church properly from a spiritual standpoint and from a legal standpoint. When I followed up with this AP after the Sunday meeting and she heard the Elder’s wife didn’t speak at all, in addition to no one objecting to what the Man said to me, this AP said, “So you had no Advocate there with you.”  I said, “That is correct.”  An Advocate would also provide a debrief session, which is a short meeting for the Target and the Advocate after the main meeting.

Let’s go back to Principle #4:

4.      If the Leader/Elder/Pastor insists on a conversation taking place, and a meeting is scheduled, the Target should have an Advocate present at the meeting at all times. The Advocate may ask questions, make comments, and may object to questions or comments spoken by anyone at the meeting. The Man may also have an Advocate at the meeting if he so chooses.

Principle #4 was missed completely by leadership.

 

Before we get to Principle #5, I need to address secret-keeping. At the Sunday meeting, I used the word “secret” when speaking about the Elder requesting I not say anything to anyone in the church about the situation. He wanted me to keep it a secret.

During the Sunday meeting, at one point the Man used the word “secret”, and then he said, “I don’t like the word ‘secret’.”  And then the Elder said, “I don’t like the word ‘secret’ either.”  I didn’t say a word in response, yet I thought, “But it is a secret. It fits the definition of a secret.”  Earlier in the week, around Wednesday, I could tell something about this secrecy was really bothering me. Because of my research and background, I quickly figured out why:  In the midst of secrecy, there is isolation.  In many types and ranges of abuse, the Target is in isolation. And the Target gets into isolation because of being forced into secrecy. It’s not a good place to be.

During the Sunday meeting, I also mentioned my accountability relationships as I had done with the Elder on the phone on Friday. At no point did the Elder say anything positive about me having accountability partners in my life. This was surprising and curious since, from the pulpit, the pastor cheers on people having accountability relationships. Of course the Elder wouldn’t say anything negative about me having accountability relationships in my life because to do so would go against the pastor’s teaching. So why wouldn’t the Elder say anything positive or agreeable regarding me having accountability relationships in my life? I think it’s because the entire situation is upsetting his apple cart.

Now we go on to Principle #5:

5.      The Target will be allowed to apply wisdom and safety to the situation in order to make good decisions about who she spends time with at the church, which ministries she will be involved in, and if she will remain at this church at all.

Since by now – late in the Sunday morning meeting – I could see these Principles being broken by leadership, exposing several gaps in leadership’s knowledge, training, and understanding of how to handle issues of various forms of sexual harassment in the church, I knew I was on my own. As the Elder tried to persuade me to keep secrets and to act toward the Man as if nothing had happened, I had to say on my own behalf that I would apply wisdom and safety to the situation.

 

Following that Sunday meeting, neither the Elder nor his wife contacted me.

I have been in contact with my three accountability partners.

The Elder stopped teaching the weeknight home fellowship group about three weeks before this situation happened (taking a break for health reasons). Another couple is hosting it but the Elder and his wife aren’t attending. Therefore, I don’t see them regularly as I would have if we were still meeting weekly at their home.

 

Afterthoughts – for This Particular Church

If I were in leadership, I would request the Man’s wife to choose a different ministry in which to serve, in order that she will be with her husband at church on Sunday mornings in both the service and the class. This can also mean the wife needs to be informed about what happened. This situation exposed a character flaw in the Man and a gap in their marriage. Shouldn’t the wife be informed?

Two and a half weeks after the Sunday morning meeting, I received another email from the Man. This was, of course, after he was told by the Elder to not email me or contact me another way. Either the Man felt emboldened to go against the Elder’s wishes and chose to email me anyway, or the Man spoke to the Elder saying he wanted to email me and the Elder told him to go ahead. Either option is bad.

I told all three of my APs about the email. They all said, “Don’t reply.” I won’t and I haven’t.

Afterthoughts – for All Churches

The leadership team of churches (Elders, Pastors, staff, and others who lead) are in need of training to know how to follow the five Principles when dealing with issues that fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment between attendees, between a leader and an attendee, and between church employees. In addition to training, the church should have written documentation containing the Principles to follow as well as further procedures of communication, accountability, reporting, and escalation.

Churches should also have training for leaders and documentation regarding situations when the Target is a minor. Protecting minors from inappropriate behavior from ever occurring is of utmost importance. Beyond that, having best practice measures in place in case it does occur is also important.

I propose training and documentation, including a communication and escalation plan, for church leaders who want to ensure issues of sexual harassment are managed appropriately.

At any time, the Target of inappropriate behavior may bring an issue with their story to someone at the church. She might bring it to a Pastor, an Elder, a Deacon, a leader in Women’s Ministries, her small group leader, or anyone else she is familiar with and feels comfortable telling her story.

All of these leaders need to be prepared to listen and address the issue appropriately.

• They need to have already been trained in the five Principles.
• They need to know the church’s process and procedure for communication and escalation, if needed.

Ø  Should an Elder be contacted? If so, which Elder? What should you tell the Elder?

Ø  Should a Pastor be contacted? If so, which Pastor? What should you tell the Pastor?

Ø  Should a meeting be scheduled? If so, who should be present? What will be discussed and in what manner?

Ø  If the Target will be present at a meeting, who will be her Advocate?

Ø  Is the Man (the other party) married? If so, how should this situation be communicated with the spouse? Who should manage this communication?

At the in-person training, all leaders should receive documentation; and that documentation should be taught from cover-to-cover in the training. The documentation will serve as a handbook for the leader to refer to when issues that fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment arise for them to address.